I honestly don't know what's going on in my heart right now. It feels like a chaos but it seems so calm.

Do I feign ignorance or I just cannot care right now?

Do I manifest the selfishness that I have been meditating?

Will I end up hurting someone again?

Or is it just my defense mechanism tryna protect me?

I honestly trying to break out of this unknown condition. I feel like sleeping in a bubble in a deep sea. 

What's drowning me?

I just wanna stay in a relationship. What is this thing that is trying to pull me down?

Wish I know him earlier. Way before I became sceptical with men. Before I change my mind. Nowadays the little hurt bothered me the most. Made me want to jump out of the boat. Not because I don't love this relationship. Because I prioritize my heart the most. 

His efforts would make my past self go crazy. But now my heart keep trying to stay sane. Said this is not gonna last.

It is not even his fault. I won't blame him even if he leave one day.

I would still love him.